Scott: If you've got a time machine, why don't you just
go back and kill Austin Powers when he's sitting on the
crapper or something? Dr. Evil: No, no, no.
Austin: Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing!
Fat Bastard: I eat because I'm unhappy, I'm unhappy because
I eat.
Woman: Oh my god, look at that! It looks just like my husband's--
Carnival Worker: ONE-EYED MONSTER! Come see the One-eyed
Monster! One Eyed Monster: Oh my god, it's a giant-- Chinese
Teacher: Wang! pay attention! Wang: Sorry, sir I was distracted
by that giant flying-- Fan: Woody! Woody Harrelson! Could
I have your autograph?
Dr. Evil: Talk to the hand 'cause the face don't wanna hear
it.
Dr. Evil: [deep voice] Austin, I'm your father Austin: Really?
Dr. Evil: No, I can't back that up.
Dr. Evil: Mini-me, you complete me.
Dr. Evil: I turned the moon into something I like to call
a "Death Star."
Fat Bastard: I've got more chins than a Chinese phonebook.
Dr. Evil: Talk to the hand, 'cause the face don't wanna
hear it anymore. The President: What hand? Dr. Evil: You
aren't all that and a bag of potato chips. The President:
What are you talking about? Dr. Evil: Don't go there, girlfriend.
The President: Whose girlfriend? Dr. Evil: Don't mess with
me. I'm one crazy mo fo. I onced popped a cop cause he wasn't
giving my props in Oak town. I've heard that somewhere.
[massaging Felicity] Austin Powers: How does that feel,
baby? Felicity Shagwell: Mmm, lower. Austin Powers: [deep
voice] How does that feel, baby?
Austin Danger Powers, Dr. Evil, Fat Bastard: Baby, the other-other
white meat. Baby: it's what's for dinner.
[Dr. Evil sings to Mini Me, to the tune of "Just the two
of us"] Austin Danger Powers, Dr. Evil, Fat Bastard: From
the moment I heard Frau say I had a clone, I knew that I'd
be safe cuz I'd never be alone. An evil doctor shouldn't
speak aloud about his feelings, my hurt and my pain don't
make me too appealing. I'd hoped Scott would look up to
me, run the business of the family, head an evil empire
just like his dear old dad, give him my love and the things
I never had. Scott would think I was a cool guy, return
the love I have, make me want to cry, be evil, but have
my feelings too, change my life with Oprah and Maya Angelou.
But Scott rejected me, c'est la vie, life is cruel, treats
you unfairly, even so, a God there must be, Mini Me, you
complete me.
Scott: Look, I was wondering if we could work all this out?
You are, after all, my father. Dr Evil: Scott, you had your
chance, okay? I've already had someone created in my image.
He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits
easily into most overhead storage bins. Scott: Him? Look
at him, he's crazy! He's like a vicious little Chihuahua
thing. He'll kill me the first chance he gets. Dr Evil:
Probably.
Austin: So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen
in 1967, I could go look at my frozen self. But, if I'm
still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in
the 90's and traveled back to the Sixties? [goes cross-eyed]
Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed. Basil: I suggest you don't
worry about those things and just enjoy yourself. [to camera]
And, you too.
Dr. Evil: As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched
has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies
and gentlemen? Scott: Because you never kill him when you
get the chance, and you're a dope?
Dr. Evil: The moon unit will be divided into two divisions:
Moon Unit Alpha and Moon Unit Zappa.
Austin: How could you sleep with Fat Bastard? Felicity:
I was just doing my duty, Austin. I had to. Austin: No,
I mean, literally, HOW could you sleep with him? He's so
fat! The mechanics of it is just mind-boggling!
Dr. Evil: You're not quite evil enough. You're semi-evil.
You're quasi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're
the Diet Coke of evil, just one calorie, not evil enough.
Austin Powers: [About her skintight clothes.] How do you
get into those pants? Felicity Shagwell: Well you can start
by buying me a drink.
[Driving on a supposedly English road, clearly *not* filmed
on location.] Austin Powers: You know what's remarkable?
That England looks in no way like Southern California.
Austin: I put the "grrrr" in swinger baby, yeah!
Felicity Shagwell: Felicity Shagwell. Shagwell by name,
shag-very-well by reputation.
Dr. Evil: As the French say, that certain "I don't know
what."
Ivana: Do you know how we keep warm in Russia? Austin: I
can guess, baby. Ivana: We play chess. Austin: I guessed
wrong.
Ivana: When did you get "The Clapper"? Austin: November,
1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave.
Felicity: Move over, Rover. This chick is taking over.
Number Two: Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your
knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could
literally make trillions! Dr. Evil: Why make trillions when
we could make... billions?
President: C'mon, let me nuke that bastard. Commander Gilmour:
You want to blow up the moon? President: Would you really
miss it that much?
