Dante Hicks: Hey, whatcha rent? "Best of Both Worlds"? Randal Graves: Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame. Dante Hicks: And you rented this? Randal Graves: Hey, I like to expand my horizons.
Caitlin Bree: I'm offering you my body and you're offering me semantics.
[repeated line] Dante Hicks: I'm not even supposed to be here today!
Randal Graves: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"? Dante Hicks: "Empire". Randal Graves: Blasphemy! Dante Hicks: "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets.
Randal Graves: Melodrama coming from you is about as natural as an oral bowel movement.
Randal Graves: Oh, hey Caitlin, break his heart again this time, and I'll kill ya, nothing personal.
Customer: Cute cat. What's his name? Randal Graves: Annoying customer. Customer: [grabs pack of cigarettes] Fuckin' dickhead.
Jay Phat Buds: What's up, baby? What's up, sluts?
Randal Graves: My mom's been fuckin' a dead guy for 30 years. I call him dad.
Jay Phat Buds: I've had some girlfriends too, but all they wanted from me was weed and shit.
Dante Hicks: Call the police! Randal Graves: Why? Dante Hicks: Because there's a stranger in our bathroom that just raped Caitlin! Randal Graves: She said she did all the work! Dante Hicks: Will you shut the fuck up!
Randal Graves: There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
[After losing a hockey ball from the roof.] Dante Hicks: Are there any balls down there? Jay Phat Buds: About the biggest pair you ever seen, dingleberry!