Doug: When you see the color of their panties, you know you've got talent. Stick with me son and I'll make you a star.
Bonnie: Don't let it end this way. Brian: All things end badly, or else they wouldn't end.
Brian: Coughlin's law: never show surprise, never lose your cool.
Brian: You're offering me a job? Doug: Uh huh. Brian: The waitresses hate me! Doug: You wait till you've given them crabs. Then you'll really know hatred.
Brian: Days get shorter and shorter, nights longer and longer, before you know it, you life is just one long night with a few comatose daylight hours.
Doug: Anything else is always something better.
Uncle Pat: Most things in life, good and bad, just kinda' happen to ya'.
Doug: I don't care how liberated this world becomes - a man will always be judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume - and a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not.