Jay: I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar.
Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower. Jay: I can't wait to die.
Loki: I love fucking with the clergy.
[To shocked passenger, after throwing Bartleby off the train] Silent Bob: No ticket!
Jay: If you know so much, tell me something about myself. Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone else on the planet. Jay: Shit, everyone knows that. Tell me something else. Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys. [Silent Bob starts to look freaked out.] Jay: [to Bob] Dude, not ALL the time!
Metatron: Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now.
Metatron: Wax on, wax off.
Bethany: What's he like? God? Metatron: Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor.
Metatron: However, if you should decide to stop being selfish and accept your responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support. Bethany: What, more angels? Metatron: Prophets. Although they don't quite get it yet. You'll know them right away: one speaks, the other listens. The one who speaks -- and he will, at great lengths, whether you want him to or not -- will make mention of himself as a prophet. The other one won't say anything, but he'll be helpful just the same.
Bethany: Then - I don't mean to sound ungrateful - but what are you doing hanging around? Jay: We're here to pick up chicks. Bethany: Excuse me? Jay: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to fuck?
Jay: See, all these movies take place in a town called Shermer, in Illinois. And there's all this fine bush running around, and we could kick all the dude's asses because they're all whiney pussies. Except Judd Nelson - he was harsh. But best of all, there was no one selling weed. So I says to Silent Bob "Man, we could live phat if we were the blunt-connection in Shermer, Illinois!" So we collected some cash we were owed, and caught a bus. But when we got here, you know what we found out? There is no Shermer in Illinois. What kind of shit is that?! Fucking movies are bullshit!