Grumpier Old Men (1995)

John Gustafson: Pop, I wish you'd try the low-fat bacon. Grandpa Gustafson: Well, you can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which gets filled first.

[About talking to one's plants.] Max Goldman: I got a cactus in my bathroom, but we got nothing to say to each other.

Max: Eat my shorts.

Mama Ragetti: We could have retired in Hawaii! Grandpa Gustafson: I have been to Hawaii. Mama Ragetti: Oh yeah? Which island? Grandpa Gustafson: Come-on-I-wanna-lay-ya. Mama Ragetti: I find you disgusting. Grandpa Gustafson: Well, just as long as you find me!

[After Allie swallows a quarter.] Grandpa: Relax. Kids swallow quarters all the time. Melanie: Really? Grandpa: Sure. If she craps out two dimes and a nickel, then you can start worrying.

Maria: I haven't been with a man for a long time Max Goldman: Me neither.

Max: I am the gangster of love John: Gangster, huh? So tell me, was it more of a hold up than a stick up? Max: Even your infantile penis jokes seem funny and witty this morning.