John Gustafson: Pop, I wish you'd try the low-fat bacon.
Grandpa Gustafson: Well, you can wish in one hand and crap
in the other and see which gets filled first.
[About talking to one's plants.] Max Goldman: I got a cactus
in my bathroom, but we got nothing to say to each other.
Max: Eat my shorts.
Mama Ragetti: We could have retired in Hawaii! Grandpa Gustafson:
I have been to Hawaii. Mama Ragetti: Oh yeah? Which island?
Grandpa Gustafson: Come-on-I-wanna-lay-ya. Mama Ragetti:
I find you disgusting. Grandpa Gustafson: Well, just as
long as you find me!
[After Allie swallows a quarter.] Grandpa: Relax. Kids swallow
quarters all the time. Melanie: Really? Grandpa: Sure. If
she craps out two dimes and a nickel, then you can start
worrying.
Maria: I haven't been with a man for a long time Max Goldman:
Me neither.
Max: I am the gangster of love John: Gangster, huh? So tell
me, was it more of a hold up than a stick up? Max: Even
your infantile penis jokes seem funny and witty this morning.
