Liar Liar (1997)

Fletcher: Your honor, I object! Judge: And why is that, Mr. Reed? Fletcher: Because it's devastating to my case!

Guy in the Washroom: What're you doing? Fletcher: I'm kicking my ass! Do you mind?!

Office Worker: Hey, Fletcher, how's it hanging? Fletcher: [groans] Short, shriveled, and always to the left.

Fletcher: You brought your kids to your court hearing? Samantha: Sympathy. Fletcher: Well, it's working! I feel sorry for them already!

Fletcher: I'm so glad my gift could bring them closer together. My plan to phase myself out is almost complete!

[After sex] Miranda: ummm that was incredible. Was it good for you? Fletcher: I've had better.

Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, one more word out of you, and I will hold you in contempt! Fletcher: I hold *myself* in contempt! Why should you be any different?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Fletcher: Depends on how long you were following me. Cop: Let's start from the top. Fletcher: Here it goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at an intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING! Cop: Is that all? Fletcher: No. ...I have unpaid parking tickets.

Max: Is wrestling real? Fletcher: In the Olympics, yes. On channel 23, no.

Secretary: He knocked over another ATM. This time at knife point. He needs your legal advice. Fletcher: [picking up phone and shouting] Stop breaking the law, asshole!

Bum: Sir, can you spare a little change? Fletcher: Yes I could. Bum: Well, will you? Fletcher: No. Bum: Why not? Fletcher: Because I believe you will buy booze with it. I just want to get from the car to my office without being confronted by the decay of western society. Plus I'm cheap.

Receptionist: Do you like my new dress? Fletcher: What ever takes the focus off your head!

Fletcher: You don't believe me, do ya? Greta: Of course not. Fletcher: How ironic!

Fletcher: The pen is blue, the pen is blue, the goddamn pen is blue!

Max Reede: If I keep making this face...will it get stuck like that? Fletcher: Uh uh. As a matter of fact, some people make a very good living that way.

Secretary: A burglar tried to break into my friend's house, fell through a skylight, and cut his leg on a knife on the kitchen counter. He sued her and won $6,000. Is that justice? Fletcher: No. I woulda got him ten.

Max Reid: My dad's a liar. He goes to court and lies.

Fletcher: Mrs. Cole, the only problem here is that after you've provided years of faithful service and loving support raising his children - They are his? Mrs. Cole: Oh yeah. One for sure. Fletcher: After all that, your husband wants to deny you a fair and equitable share of the marital assets based on one single act of indiscretion. Mrs. Cole: Seven. Fletcher: Hmmm. Mrs. Cole: Seven single acts of indiscretion. Fletcher: Whatever.

Max Reid: I wish, for just one day, Dad couldn't tell a lie.

Max Reid: My teacher tells me beauty is on the inside. Fletcher: That's just something ugly people say.

Fletcher: Why don't you go play in the office a minute. Sue someone for everything they've got.