Harry Wormwood: I'm smart; you're dumb. I'm big; you're little. And there's nothing you can do about it.
Agatha Trunchbull: I have never been able to understand why small children are so disgusting. They're the bane of my life. They're like insects: they should be got rid of as early as possible. Hah, [makes spraying gesture] psst! My idea of a perfect school is one in which there are no children... at all.
Agatha Trunchbull: If you are having fun, you are not learning.
Zinnia Wormwood: Look, Miss Snit, a girl does not get anywhere by acting intelligent! I mean, take a look at you and me. You chose books -- I chose looks. I have a nice house, a wonderful husband... and you are slaving away teaching snot-nosed children their ABCs. You want Matilda to go to college? Ha, ha, ha ha... Harry Wormwood: College? I didn't go to college. I don't know anybody who did. Bunch of hippies and cesspool salesmen, ha ha ha ha... Miss Honey: Don't sneer at educated people, Mr. Wormwood. If you became ill, heaven forbid, your doctor would be a college graduate. Harry Wormwood: Yeah... Miss Honey: Or--or say you were sued for selling a faulty car. The lawyer who defended you would have gone to college too. Harry Wormwood: What car? Sued by who? Who you been talking to?!
Harry Wormwood: A book? What do you want a book for? Matilda Wormwood: To read. Harry Wormwood: To read? Why would you want to read when you got the television set sitting right in front of you? There's nothing you can get from a book that you can't get from a television faster.
Matilda Wormwood: I love it here! I love my school... it isn't fair! Miss Honey, please don't let them... Harry Wormwood: [interrupting] Get in the car, Melinda! Matilda Wormwood: Matilda! Harry Wormwood: Whatever. Matilda Wormwood: I want to stay with Miss Honey. Zinnia Wormwood: Miss Honey doesn't want you. Why would she want some snotty, disobedient kid? Miss Honey: Because she's a spectacularly wonderful child and I love her. Matilda Wormwood: Adopt me, Miss Honey! You can adopt me. Harry Wormwood: Look, I don't have time for all these legalities! Matilda Wormwood: One second, Dad. I have the adoption papers. Zinnia Wormwood: What? Where did you get those? Matilda Wormwood: From a book in the library. I've had them since I was big enough to Xerox.
Narrator: Dirty dealings, like buying stolen car parts, never stay secret for long. Especially when the FBI gets involved. First FBI Agent: [into recorder] 9:17, suspect exits domicile. Second FBI Agent: I've got 9:18. First FBI Agent: [into recorder] 9:17 is correct.
Agatha Trunchbull: I cannot for the life of me understand why small children take so long to grow up. I think they do it deliberately, just to annoy me.
Host of "The Million Dollar Sticky" TV game show: For those idiots out there who don't know how to play, here's how it goes. For each correct answer, they'll move one step closer to our Cube of Cash. Once in our Cube of Cash, any money that sticks to your gooey body, you get to take home!
Matilda Wormwood: No more Miss Nice Girl!
Matilda Wormwood: Why don't you run away? Miss Honey: I've often thought about it, but... I can't abandon my children. And if I couldn't teach, I'd have nothing at all. Matilda Wormwood: You're very brave, Miss Honey. Miss Honey: Not as brave as you. Matilda Wormwood: I thought grown-ups weren't afraid of anything. Miss Honey: Quite the contrary. All grown-ups get scared, just like children. Matilda Wormwood: I wonder what Miss Trunchbull is afraid of.