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Me, Myself & Irene (2000)

Hank Evans: So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from? Irene P. Waters: Oh, all over. Hank Evans: Omnipresence. I like that in a woman.

Guy on Street: Hey, did you hear, Charlie? My son got the lead in that musical. Charlie: Oh yeah? I guess he really does like the cock.

Jamaal: Our daddy may have advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage, but he is a very gentle person!

Charlie Baileygates: I'm not here to twist your niblets.

Charlie Baileygates: Remember, no bitches after eleven!

Charlie Baileygates: What kind of money do you people take?

Lieutenant Gerke: The guy's nuttier than a squirrel turd! Charlie Baileygates: Now you know the house rules, no bitches after eleven.

Charlie Baileygates: Yeah, well while you're at it why don't you go take a steamy piss on those power lines? Look, I'm not here to twist your niblets, I'm here to save your life.

[When a guy throws a cigarette butt onto the ground.] Hank Evans: Well fuck my ozone.

Charlie Baileygates: Hey, morning boys. What's all the commotion? Jamaal: Just school shit and shit.

[In a police helicopter on the ground] Shonte Jr.: Anybody know how to fly this damn thing? Jamaal: Motherfucker, it can't be that hard, it's just lift versus drag and rotation. Lee Harvey: Yeah, man, get your head out your ass. Shonte Jr.: It's not that, man, the controls are written in German, ya asshole. Jamaal: Motherfucker, you speak German don't you? Shonte Jr.: Motherfucker, I can speak it, I ain't saying I can read the shit all that good.

Hank Evans: You know, I think you're a very special unit. Irene P. Waters: That's sweet. Hank Evans: I hope we get to know each other better. Irene P. Waters: Yeah, me too. Hank Evans: Do you swallow?

[Charlie takes his medication at the Massena Police Station.] Irene P. Waters: What are those for? Charlie Baileygates: Oh! It's just this stupid thing. I have to take a pill every six hours or I feel... funny. No big deal. Irene P. Waters: What's it called? Charlie Baileygates: Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage.

Irene P. Waters: Stay away from me, Hank! I know what you have planned, OK? I saw your so-called "supplies." Hank Evans: Oh... that! I wasn't gonna just... ram it home, you know. I was gonna... lube it up and ease it in there, inch by inch, like a gentleman. Irene P. Waters: I was talking about the shovel and the lime.

Charlie Baileygates: Will you stay with me, no matter what? Layla: Of course, Charlie. Charlie Baileygates: Well, what if I had to move to the Arctic and you could never come home and you had to eat whale blubber for the rest of your life, would you still stay with me? Layla: Yeah, I'd stay. But I hope that never happens.

[Layla leaves Charlie for the Limo Driver] Charlie Baileygates: But you said you'd eat whale blubber. Limo Driver: She'll be eating blubber alright, just as soon as I free "Willy."

Lee Harvey: Is your old lady happy? Gerke: Is my old lady happy? Lee Harvey: Yeah, because if your fuckin' is anything like your police work then you couldn't hit the G-spot on a twelve pound pussy.

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