Lester Burnham: You don't get to tell me what to do ever
again.
Carolyn Burnham: Uh, who's car is that out front? Lester
Burnham: Mine. 1970 Pontiac Firebird. The car I've always
wanted and now I have it. I rule!
Lester Burnham: Look at me. Jerking off in the shower.
This will be the highlight of my day.
Lester Burnham: I feel like I've been in a coma for the
past twenty years. And I'm just now waking up.
Jane Burnham: I know you think my dad's harmless, but
you're wrong.
Carolyn Burnham: Fuck me, your majesty!
Angela Hayes: At least I'm not ugly! Ricky Fitts: Yes
you are. And you're boring. And you're totally ordinary. And
you know it.
Brad Dupree: Man, you are one twisted fuck. Lester Burnham:
Nope, I'm just an ordinary guy with nothing to lose.
Brad: [reading Lester's job description] My job requires
mostly masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and,
at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk
off while I fantasize about a life that less closely resembles
Hell.
Jim #1: Do you just want to lose weight, or are you looking
to increase strength and flexibility as well? Lester Burnham:
I want to look good naked!
Ricky Fitts: So, do you like to party? Lester Burnham:
What? Ricky Fitts: Do you like to get high?
Catering Boss: I'm not paying you to do... whatever it
is you're doing. Ricky Fitts: So don't pay me. Catering Boss:
Excuse me? Ricky Fitts: I quit. So you don't have to pay me.
Now leave me alone. Lester Burnham: I think you just became
my personal hero.
Carolyn Burnham: Honey, I watched you the whole time,
and you didn't screw up once!
Brad: Got a minute?
Lester Burnham: For you, Brad, I've got five!
Lester Burnham: This isn't life, it's just stuff. And
it's become more important to you than living. Well, honey,
that's just nuts.
Lester Burnham: Remember those posters that said, "Today
is the first day of the rest of your life"? Well, that's true
of every day but one --- the day you die.
Jane Burnham: Are you scared? Ricky Fitts: I don't get
scared. Jane Burnham: My parents will try to find me. Ricky
Fitts: Mine won't.
Ricky Fitts: I was filming this dead bird. Angela Hayes:
Why? Ricky Fitts: Because it's beautiful.
[at the dinner table] Carolyn Burnham: Your father and
I were just discussing his day at work. Why don't you tell
our daughter about it, honey? Lester Burnham: Janie, today
I quit my job. And then I told my boss to go fuck himself,
and then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars.
Pass the asparagus. Carolyn Burnham: Your father seems to
think this type of behavior is something to be proud of. Lester
Burnham: And your mother seems to prefer I go through life
like a fucking prisoner while she keeps my dick in a mason
jar under the sink. Carolyn Burnham: How dare you speak to
me that way in front of her. And I marvel that you can be
so contemptuous of me, on the same day that you LOSE your
job. Lester Burnham: Lose it? I didn't lose it. It's not like,
"Whoops! Where'd my job go?" I QUIT. Someone pass me the asparagus.
Mr. Smiley's Manager: I don't think you'd fit in here.
Lester Burnham: I have fast food expierience. Mr. Smiley's
Manager: Yeah, like twenty years ago! Lester Burnham: Well,
I'm sure there have been marvelous advances in the industry,
but surely you must have some sort of training program. It's
unfair you presume I won't be able to learn.
Carolyn Burnham: I see you're smoking pot now. I suppose
you think smoking illegal psychotropic substances is a good
example to set for our sixteen year-old daughter?!
Lester Burnham: I can't feel anything but gratitude for
every single moment of my stupid little life.
Jane Burnham: [turning the camera on Ricky] Don't you
feel naked? Ricky Fitts: I am naked.
Lester Burnham: [narrating] That's my wife, Carolyn. See
the way the handle on her pruning shears matches her gardening
clogs? That's not an accident.
Lester Burnham: [narrating] It's a great thing when you
realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself.
Carolyn Burnham: What are you doing? Lester Burnham: Nothing.
Carolyn Burnham: You were masturbating! Lester Burnham: I
was not. Carolyn Burnham: Yes you were! Lester Burnham: Oh,
all right! So shoot me, I was whacking off! That's right,
I was choking the bishop, chafing the carrot, you know, saying
"hi" to my monster!
Lester Burnham: When I was your age, I flipped burgers
just to be able to buy an eight-track. Ricky Fitts: That sucks.
Lester Burnham: No, actually it was great. All I did was party
and get laid. I had my whole life ahead of me.
Jane Burnham: Somebody should just put him out of his
misery. Ricky Fitts: Do you want me to kill him? Jane Burnham:
Yeah, would you?
Colonel Frank Fitts: Where's your wife? Lester Burnham:
Uh, I dunno. Probably out fucking that dorky, prince-of-real-estate
guy. Colonel Frank Fitts: Your wife is with another man and
you don't care? Lester Burnham: Nope. Our marriage is just
for show. A commercial for how normal we are when we're anything
but.
[After meeting Ricky Fitts for the first time] Angela Hayes:
What a freak! And why does he dress like a bible salesman?
Jane Burnham: He's just so confident, it can't be real. Angela
Hayes: I don't believe him. I mean, he didn't even like, look
at me once!
Angela Hayes: I don't think that there's anything worse
than being ordinary.
