Lydia: My life is a dark room. One big dark room.
Betelgeuse: I'm the ghost with the most, babe.
Otho: What happened to the people who lived here? Delia Deitz: Oh, they died. Hey, look, an indoor outhouse!
Barbara Maitland: I don't get it, I mean where all the other dead people in the world? Adam Maitland: Maybe this is heaven. Barbara Maitland: In heaven there wouldn't be dust everywhere.
[In the waiting room of the afterlife] Barbara Maitland: Adam, is this what happens when you die? Receptionist: That is what happens when you die, that is what happens when he dies [pointing to charred man, woman cut in half, etc.] and that is what happens when they die. It's all very personal. And I'll tell you something; if I knew then what I know now [shows her slit wrists] I wouldn't have had my little accident.
Otho: Don't mind her. She's just upset that someone dropped a house on her sister.
Charles: And look at that kitchen. You're finally going to be able to cook a decent meal.
Adam: Barb, honey... we're dead. I don't think we have very much to worry about anymore.
Barbara: We're very unhappy. Juno: What did you expect? You're dead!
Adam: We're not completely helpless, Barbara. I've been reading that book and there's a word for people in our situation: ghosts.
[On Adam's and Barbara's attempts to haunt their old house.] Juno: I heard. Tore your faces right off. It obviously doesn't do any good to pull your heads off in front of people if they can't see you!
Betelgeuse: Let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose.
Adam: What are your qualifications? Betelgeuse: Ah. Well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT... NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY... NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK?!? You think I'm qualified?
[In the afterlife waiting room.] Clerk: Number fifty-four million six hundred and one... Ferndoch.
Lydia: Maybe YOU can relax in a haunted house, but I can't.
Delia: I will live with you in this hellhole, but I must express myself. If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I will go insane and I will take you with me!