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Being John Malkovich (1999)

[Lotte comes home late at night] Craig Schwartz: You were him, weren't you? Lotte Schwartz: Yeah. Craig Schwartz: And he was with her! Lotte Schwartz: We love her, Craig. Craig Schwartz: We? Lotte Schwartz: John and me.

Craig Schwartz: I was thinking about what you were saying the other day, about the orientation film being bullshit. Maxine: Yes? Craig Schwartz: I think maybe you're on to something. Maxine: And fifty other lines to get into a girl's pants.

Maxine: Here's the thing: If you ever get me, you wouldn't have a clue what to do with me.

Lotte Schwartz: Don't stand in the way of my actualization as a man.

Craig Schwartz: Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in today's wintry economic climate.

Craig Schwartz: Do you know what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is?

Craig Schwartz: My name is Craig Schwartz and I have an interview with Dr. Lester. Floris: Please have a seat, Mr. Juarez. Craig Schwartz: My name is Schwartz. Floris: "My name is Wartz"?

Craig Schwartz: You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes. Then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike!

Charlie: Truth is for suckers, Johnny Boy.

Charlie: Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover.

Dr. Lester: She has her doctorate in speech impedimentology from Case Western.

John Horatio Malkovich: You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls. Maxine: You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people!

Maxine: Meet you in Malkovich in one hour.

Craig Schwartz: With all due respect, John, It's MY portal. John Horatio Malkovich: It's MY HEAD, Schwartz. It's MY head!

Craig Schwartz: Can I buy you a drink, Maxine? Maxine: Are you married? Craig Schwartz: Yes, but enough about me.

[During sex] John Malkovich: Did you call me Lotte? Maxine: Yeah, do you mind? John Malkovich: No, not really.

Dr. Lester: I've been very lonely in my isolated tower of indecipherable speech.

Craig Schwartz: There's a tiny door in that empty office. It's a portal, Maxine. It takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes, then, after about fifteen minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of The New Jersey Turnpike. Maxine: Sounds delightful. Who the fuck is John Malkovich? Craig Schwartz: He's an actor. One of the great American actors of the 20th century. Maxine: What's he been in? Craig Schwartz: Lots of things. He's very well respected. That jewel thief movie, for example. The point is that this is a very odd thing, supernatural, for lack of a better word. It raises all sorts of philosophical questions about the nature of self, about the existence of the soul. Am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich? Was the Buddha right, is duality an illusion? Do you see what a can of worms this portal is? I don't think I can go on living my life as I have lived it. There's only one thing to do. Let's get married right away.

Maxine: Have you ever had two people look at you, with complete lust and devotion, through the same pair of eyes?

Charlie: Hot lesbian witches! It's fucking genius!

[During a job interview] Dr. Lester: Which of these two letters comes first, this one or this one? Craig Schwartz: One of those is not a letter, sir? Dr. Lester: Damn, you're good.

Dr. Lester: Any questions? Craig Schwartz: Just one. Why are these ceilings so low? Dr. Lester: Low overhead, boy! But seriously, that'll all be covered in the orientation.

Maxine: Tell me a little about yourself. Craig Schwartz: Well, I'm a puppeteer -- Maxine: Check!

Craig Schwartz: You don't know how lucky you are being a monkey. Because consciousness is a terrible curse. I think. I feel. I suffer. And all I ask in return is the opportunity to do my work. And they won't allow it... because I raise issues.

John Horatio Malkovich: Ma-Sheen! Charlie: Malcatraz!

Craig Schwartz: If I can guess your name in three tries, you have to come have a drink with me tonight. Maxine: Why not? Craig Schwartz: Okay. You look like a ... BarrrRuuu-- BellllLuuuu-- Lllll-- Carolllll-- Taaaa-Sharrr--- SusaaannnEmmmmilllly--- Marr-- laaarr-- Maax...ine--M-M-M--Maxine? Maxine: Yeah! Who told you? Craig Schwartz: Nobody told me. That just came out. Isn't that odd?

Lotte Schwartz: I think it's kinda sexy that John Malkovich has a portal, y'know, sort of like, it's like, like he has a vagina. It's sort of vaginal, y'know, like he has a, he has a penis AND a vagina. I mean, it's sort of like... Malkovich's... feminine side. I like that.

First J.M. Inc. Customer: Now when you say that I can be somebody else, whaddya mean exactly? Craig Schwartz: Well, we mean exactly that. We can put you inside someone else's body, for fifteen minutes. First J.M. Inc. Customer: Can I be anybody that I wanna be? Craig Schwartz: Well, you... actually... Maxine: You can be John Malkovich. First J.M. Inc. Customer: Perfect! It's... my... second choice, but it's wonderful. I'm a fat man. I'm sad and I... Maxine: Two hundred dollars.

Dr. Lester: Don't toy with Floris, Schwartz. Craig Schwartz: Oh, no. Dr. Lester: If I was 80 years younger, I'd box your ears. Craig Schwartz: I wasn't toying with her sir, I wouldn't -- pardon me, how old are you, sir? Dr. Lester: 105. Carrot juice, lots of it. I swear, sometimes it's not worth it. I piss orange. I have to piss sitting down like a goddamn girlie-girl every fifteen minutes.

Craig Schwartz: I like you, I don't know what it is about you. Maxine: My tits? Craig Schwartz: No! No, no, no. Maxine: No? Craig Schwartz: It's your energy, your attitude, you know, the way you carry yourself. Maxine: You're not a fag, are you? Craig Schwartz: No, I am really attracted to you. Maxine: "No, I am really attracted to you", Christ, you are a fag. Okay, we can share recipes if you like, darling. Craig Schwartz: No, no, I love your tits, love 'em, I wanna fondle 'em. Maxine: Great, now we're getting somewhere. Not a chance.

Maxine: You're not someone I could get interested in, Craig, you play with dolls.

Charlie: You're nuts to let a girl go that calls you Lotte, I tell you that as a friend.

Craig Schwartz: What happens when a man goes through his own portal?

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