[Lotte comes home late at night] Craig Schwartz: You were
him, weren't you? Lotte Schwartz: Yeah. Craig Schwartz: And
he was with her! Lotte Schwartz: We love her, Craig. Craig
Schwartz: We? Lotte Schwartz: John and me.
Craig Schwartz: I was thinking about what you were saying
the other day, about the orientation film being bullshit.
Maxine: Yes? Craig Schwartz: I think maybe you're on to something.
Maxine: And fifty other lines to get into a girl's pants.
Maxine: Here's the thing: If you ever get me, you wouldn't
have a clue what to do with me.
Lotte Schwartz: Don't stand in the way of my actualization
as a man.
Craig Schwartz: Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in today's
wintry economic climate.
Craig Schwartz: Do you know what a metaphysical can of worms
this portal is?
Craig Schwartz: My name is Craig Schwartz and I have an interview
with Dr. Lester. Floris: Please have a seat, Mr. Juarez. Craig
Schwartz: My name is Schwartz. Floris: "My name is Wartz"?
Craig Schwartz: You see the world through John Malkovich's
eyes. Then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out into a
ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike!
Charlie: Truth is for suckers, Johnny Boy.
Charlie: Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian
lover.
Dr. Lester: She has her doctorate in speech impedimentology
from Case Western.
John Horatio Malkovich: You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing
with dolls. Maxine: You're right, my darling, it's so much
more. It's playing with people!
Maxine: Meet you in Malkovich in one hour.
Craig Schwartz: With all due respect, John, It's MY portal.
John Horatio Malkovich: It's MY HEAD, Schwartz. It's MY head!
Craig Schwartz: Can I buy you a drink, Maxine? Maxine: Are
you married? Craig Schwartz: Yes, but enough about me.
[During sex] John Malkovich: Did you call me Lotte? Maxine:
Yeah, do you mind? John Malkovich: No, not really.
Dr. Lester: I've been very lonely in my isolated tower of
indecipherable speech.
Craig Schwartz: There's a tiny door in that empty office.
It's a portal, Maxine. It takes you inside John Malkovich.
You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes, then, after
about fifteen minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the
side of The New Jersey Turnpike. Maxine: Sounds delightful.
Who the fuck is John Malkovich? Craig Schwartz: He's an actor.
One of the great American actors of the 20th century. Maxine:
What's he been in? Craig Schwartz: Lots of things. He's very
well respected. That jewel thief movie, for example. The point
is that this is a very odd thing, supernatural, for lack of
a better word. It raises all sorts of philosophical questions
about the nature of self, about the existence of the soul.
Am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich? Was the Buddha right, is
duality an illusion? Do you see what a can of worms this portal
is? I don't think I can go on living my life as I have lived
it. There's only one thing to do. Let's get married right
away.
Maxine: Have you ever had two people look at you, with complete
lust and devotion, through the same pair of eyes?
Charlie: Hot lesbian witches! It's fucking genius!
[During a job interview] Dr. Lester: Which of these two letters
comes first, this one or this one? Craig Schwartz: One of
those is not a letter, sir? Dr. Lester: Damn, you're good.
Dr. Lester: Any questions? Craig Schwartz: Just one. Why are
these ceilings so low? Dr. Lester: Low overhead, boy! But
seriously, that'll all be covered in the orientation.
Maxine: Tell me a little about yourself. Craig Schwartz: Well,
I'm a puppeteer -- Maxine: Check!
Craig Schwartz: You don't know how lucky you are being a monkey.
Because consciousness is a terrible curse. I think. I feel.
I suffer. And all I ask in return is the opportunity to do
my work. And they won't allow it... because I raise issues.
John Horatio Malkovich: Ma-Sheen! Charlie: Malcatraz!
Craig Schwartz: If I can guess your name in three tries, you
have to come have a drink with me tonight. Maxine: Why not?
Craig Schwartz: Okay. You look like a ... BarrrRuuu-- BellllLuuuu--
Lllll-- Carolllll-- Taaaa-Sharrr--- SusaaannnEmmmmilllly---
Marr-- laaarr-- Maax...ine--M-M-M--Maxine? Maxine: Yeah! Who
told you? Craig Schwartz: Nobody told me. That just came out.
Isn't that odd?
Lotte Schwartz: I think it's kinda sexy that John Malkovich
has a portal, y'know, sort of like, it's like, like he has
a vagina. It's sort of vaginal, y'know, like he has a, he
has a penis AND a vagina. I mean, it's sort of like... Malkovich's...
feminine side. I like that.
First J.M. Inc. Customer: Now when you say that I can be somebody
else, whaddya mean exactly? Craig Schwartz: Well, we mean
exactly that. We can put you inside someone else's body, for
fifteen minutes. First J.M. Inc. Customer: Can I be anybody
that I wanna be? Craig Schwartz: Well, you... actually...
Maxine: You can be John Malkovich. First J.M. Inc. Customer:
Perfect! It's... my... second choice, but it's wonderful.
I'm a fat man. I'm sad and I... Maxine: Two hundred dollars.
Dr. Lester: Don't toy with Floris, Schwartz. Craig Schwartz:
Oh, no. Dr. Lester: If I was 80 years younger, I'd box your
ears. Craig Schwartz: I wasn't toying with her sir, I wouldn't
-- pardon me, how old are you, sir? Dr. Lester: 105. Carrot
juice, lots of it. I swear, sometimes it's not worth it. I
piss orange. I have to piss sitting down like a goddamn girlie-girl
every fifteen minutes.
Craig Schwartz: I like you, I don't know what it is about
you. Maxine: My tits? Craig Schwartz: No! No, no, no. Maxine:
No? Craig Schwartz: It's your energy, your attitude, you know,
the way you carry yourself. Maxine: You're not a fag, are
you? Craig Schwartz: No, I am really attracted to you. Maxine:
"No, I am really attracted to you", Christ, you are a fag.
Okay, we can share recipes if you like, darling. Craig Schwartz:
No, no, I love your tits, love 'em, I wanna fondle 'em. Maxine:
Great, now we're getting somewhere. Not a chance.
Maxine: You're not someone I could get interested in, Craig,
you play with dolls.
Charlie: You're nuts to let a girl go that calls you Lotte,
I tell you that as a friend.
Craig Schwartz: What happens when a man goes through his own
portal?
