Andrew Clark: If I lose my temper you're totalled, man. John
Bender: Totally? Andrew Clark: Totally.
Claire Standish: I hate it! I hate having to go along with
everything my friends say!
John Bender: Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?
Allison: I don't have to runaway and live in the street. I
can runaway and I can go to the ocean, I can go to the country,
I can go to the mountains. I could go to Israel, Africa, Afghanistan.
Brian Johnson: I'm a fucking idiot because I can't make a
lamp? John Bender: No. You're a genius because you can't make
a lamp.
John Bender: Being bad feels pretty good, huh?
John: Hey, how come Andrew gets to get up? If he gets up,
we'll all get up, it'll be anarchy!
John Bender: Sporto. Andrew Clark: What? John Bender: You
get along with your parents? Andrew Clark: Well, if I say
yes I'm an idiot, right? John Bender: You're an idiot anyway.
But if you say you get along with your parents, well, you're
a liar too.
Richard Vernon: Don't mess with the bull, young man. You'll
get the horns.
John Bender: But face it. You're a neo maxi zoom dweebie,
what would you be doing if you weren't out making yourself
a better citizen?
Andrew: What do you need a fake I.D. for? Brian: So I can
vote!
Allison: When you grow up, your heart dies.
[John Bender is absently tearing up books] Andrew Clark: That's
real intelligent. John Bender: You're right. It's wrong to
destroy literature. It's such fun to read. And [examines title]
Moe-Lay really pumps my nads. Claire Standish: Moliere.
[Depicting a typical scene with his parents.] John Bender:
[as his father] "Stupid, worthless, no-good goddamn freeloading
son of a bitch retarded big-mouthed know-it-all asshole jerk."
[as his mother] "You forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful."
[as his father] "Shut up, bitch! Go fix me turkey pot pie!"
Richard Vernon: What was that ruckus? Andrew Clark: Uh, what
ruckus? Richard Vernon: I was just in my office and I heard
a ruckus. Brian Johnson: Could you describe the ruckus, sir?
Andrew: Yo wastoid, you're not gonna blaze up in here!
[Vernon catches Bender playing basketball in the gym] Bender:
Don't you want to hear my excuse? I'm thinkin' of tryin' out
for a scholarship.
Andrew: Speak for yourself. Bender: Do you think I'd speak
for you? I don't even know your language.
[To himself, crawling above some acoustic ceiling tiles.]
Bender: Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under
one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other. The bartender
says, I guess you won't be needing a drink. Naked lady says--
[The ceiling gives way.] oh shit!
Bender: You know how you said before, how your parents use
you to get back at each other? Wouldn't I be outstanding in
that capacity?
John Bender: Screws just fall out all the time, the world
is an imperfect place.
[Claire is doing Allison's make-up.] Claire: You know, you
look a lot better without all that black shit under your eyes.
Allison: Hey, I like all that black shit... Why are you being
so nice to me? Claire: Because you're letting me.
