Al Czervik: Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
Carl Spackler: I got to get into this dude's pelt and crawl around for a few days. Who's the gopher's ally. His friends. The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit.
Carl Spackler: This crowd has gone deadly silent, a Cinderella story outta nowhere. Former greenskeeper and now about to become the masters champion.
Ty Webb: You're rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body.
Ty Webb: Just be the ball, be the ball, be the ball. You're not being the ball Danny. Danny Noonan: It's hard when you're talking like that.
Judge Smails: Ty, what did you shoot today? Ty Webb: Oh, Judge, I don't keep score. Judge Smails: Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers? Ty Webb: By height.
Judge Smails: I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
Dr. Beeper: I thought you'd be the man to beat this year. Ty Webb: I guess you'll just have to keep beating yourself.
Al Czervik: Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!
[Caddy Danny arrives among the rich in his yachting outfit] Spalding: Ahoy polloi!
Spalding: This is good stuff. I got it from a Negro. You're probably high already and you don't even know it.
Al Czervik: Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you though.
Al Czervik: Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
Al Czervik: Your a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?
Carl Spackler: He's on his final hole. He's about 455 yards away, he's gonna hit about a 2 iron I think.
Al Czervik: [to his Asian companion] I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?
Carl Spackler: Oh Mrs. Crane, you're a little monkey woman. Yeah, you're lean, mean, and I bet you're not too far in between are ya. How'd you like to wrap your spikes around my
Ty Webb: You take drugs, Danny? Danny Noonan: Every day. Ty Webb: Good. Then what's your problem? Danny Noonan: I don't know.
Ty Webb: A flute without holes, is not a flute. A donut without a hole, is a danish.
Ty Webb: I was born to love you. I was born to lick your face. I was born to rub you. But you were born to rub me first.
Danny Noonan: I gotta go to college. Ty Webb: You don't have to go to college. This isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia.