Colonel Mustard: And are you the host? Wadsworth: Me, sir? No, I'm just the humble butler. Colonel Mustard: And what exactly is it you do here? Wadsworth: I buttle, sir.
Mr. Green: But this is ridiculous! If he were such a patriotic American, why didn't he just report us to the authorities? Wadsworth: He decided to put his information to good use and make a little money off of it. What could be more American than that?!
Mrs. White: It's a matter of life after death, now that he's dead I have a life.
Colonel Mustard: Do you like Kipling, Miss Scarlett? Miss Scarlet: Sure. I'll eat anything.
Wadsworth: We're like the Mounties; we always get our man. Mr. Green: Mrs. Peacock was a man?
Mr. Green: If you want to know who killed Mr. Boddy, I did. In the hall, with the revolver. Take 'em away, chief. I'm going home to sleep with my wife.
Wadsworth: I can explain everything... Cop: You don't have to. Wadsworth: I don't? Cop: No, there's nothing illegal about any of this. Wadsworth: Are you sure? Cop: Of course, this is America! Wadsworth: I see... Cop: It's a free country, don't you know that? Wadsworth: I didn't know it was THAT free!
Wadsworth: But he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared. White: But that was his job. He was an illusionist. Wadsworth: But he never reappeared. White: He wasn't a very good illusionist.
Mr. Green: Who would want to kill the cook? Miss Scarlet: Dinner wasn't that bad.
Wadsworth: [Shouting] I'M NOT SHOUTING! ALL RIGHT, I AM! I'M SHOUTING, I'M SHOUTING, I'M SHOUT - [Candlestick falls from above and hits him on the head]
Wadsworth: Professor Plum, you were once a professor of psychiatry specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur. Professor Plum: Yes, but now I work for the United Nations. Wadsworth: Well your work has not changed.
Col. Mustard: Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests? Wadsworth: You don't need any help from me, sir. Col. Mustard: That's right!
Prof. Plum: What are you afraid of, a fate worse than death? Mrs. Peacock: No, just death, isn't that enough?
Col. Mustard: How many husbands have you had? Mrs. White: Mine or other women's?
Mrs. White: Are you a cop? Mr. Green: No, I'm a plant. Miss Scarlet: A plant? I thought men like you were usually called a fruit. Mr. Green: Very funny.
Mrs. White: Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable.
Prof. Plum: Is there going to be a cover up? Wadsworth: Isn't that in the public interest? What could be gained by exposure? Prof. Plum: But is the FBI in the habit of cleaning up after multiple murder? Wadsworth: Yes. Why do you think it's run by a man called Hoover?
Miss Scarlet: Communism was just a red herring.
Col. Mustard: How did you know that? Wadsworth: Can you keep a secret? Col. Mustard: Yes. Wadsworth: So can I.
Mr. Green: So it was you. I was going to expose you. Wadsworth: I know. So I choose to expose myself. Colonel Mustard: Please, there are ladies present!
Mr. Boddy: In your hands, you each have a lethal weapon. If you denounce me to the police, you will also be exposed and humiliated. I'll see to that in court. But, if one of you kills Wadsworth now, no one but the seven of us will ever know. He has the key to the front door, which he said would only be opened over his dead body. I suggest we take him up on that offer. The only way to avoid finding yourselves on the front pages is for one of you to kill Wadsworth. NOW.
Mrs. Peacock: Maybe he's alive, maybe he's dead. What difference does it make? Miss Scarlett: Makes quite a difference to him.
Mrs. White: He was always a rather stupidly optimistic man, I'm afraid it came as a great shock to him when he died.
Colonel Mustard: Two corpses, everything's fine.
Wadsworth: Frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a damn.
Cop: You all seem to be very anxious about something. Wadsworth: It's the chandelier. It fell down, almost killed us.
Mrs Peacock: Do you know if there is a ladies room around? Yvette: Oui oui, Madame. [points] Mrs. Peacock: No, no, I just have to powder my nose.
Colonel Mustard: Why is J. Edgar Hoover on your phone? Wadsworth: I don't know. He's on everyone else's, why shouldn't he be on mine?
Col. Mustard: Wadsworth, am I right in thinking there is no body else in this house? Wadsworth: Ummm, no. Col. Mustard: Then there is someone else in this house? Wadsworth: No, sorry. I said no meaning yes. Col. Mustard: No meaning yes? Look I want a straight answer, is there someone else, or isn't there? Yes or no? Wadsworth: Ummm, no. Col. Mustard: No there is, or no there isn't? Wadsworth: Yes.
---- Col. Mustard: Well, there is still some confusion as to whether or not there is anybody else in this house. Wadsworth: I told you there isn't! Col. Mustard: There isn't any confusion, or there isn't anbody else? Wadsworth: Either, or both! Col. Mustard: Just give me a clear answer! Wadsworth: Certainly! [clears his throat] What was the question? Col. Mustard: Is there anybody else in the house! All: NO!!!
Miss Scarlett: Why has the car stopped? Professor Plum: It's frightened.