Candy Striper: Well, hello, Sad Sally and Serious Sue! How
about a nice cool mint to turn those frowns upside down?
Loretta: Would a nice cool mint help if I shoved your head
up your ass?
Becky Ann Leeman: Jesus doesn't like quitters.
[During the pageant interview] John Dough: Name and spell
all the United States in alphabetical order. Amber Atkins:
Seriously?
Loretta: Now you listen to me, Amber. You are a good person.
Good things happen to good people.
Amber Atkins: Hi. I'm Amber Atkins, and I am signing up
'cause two of my favorite persons in the world competed
in pageants: my mom and Diane Sawyer. Of course, I want
to end up more like Diane Sawyer than my mom.
Gladys Leeman: You'd think they'd build the parking lot
of America to go with the Mall of America!
Voice of Documentarian: So what was the theme of the pageant
last year? Gladys Leeman: Last year? It was, "Buy American."
Voice of Documentarian: And the year before that? Gladys
Leeman: "U.S.A. is A-okay." Voice of Documentarian: Can
you remember the theme of your favorite pageant? Gladys
Leeman: "Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get
this. I don't know, it's, maybe a gift from God or somethin'.
Voice of Documentarian: So you've, uh, you've judged a lot
of pageants over the years? John: Nope. No. Uh-uh. Never
judged a pageant before in my life. Nope. No way. Never
around young girls. Even if I was, why would I wanna be,
y'know? I- I- I don't get off on that kinda thing and that's
really why you're askin', right? ...S- someone say somethin'?
Hank Vilmes: Ow, Harold, Mom said not the head. Harold Vilmes:
Well, Mom's dead, so shut your fly trap. Hank Vilmes: I
will if you shut your piehole. Harold Vilmes: Don't make
me kick ya where the good Lord split ya.
Loretta: Are we on "Cops" again?
Loretta: Can one of yous boys give me a ride home? Annette
Atkins: Don't fall for it. She lives two trailers down.
Loretta: So? Be real easy. Annette Atkins: Go on home, Loretta.
Come on. Go on, the party's over. Loretta: Anyone?
Gladys Leeman: He sells reproductions! His furniture's as
fake as my orgasms!
Pastor: And so, dear Lord, it is with deep sadness that
we turn over to you this young woman, whose dream to ride
on a giant swan resulted in her death. Maybe it is your
way of telling us... to buy American.
Amber Atkins: My mom never hid the fact that my dad chose
his career over us. What was it she always said? Loretta:
Once a carnie, always a carnie.
Annette Atkins: Who's this? Amber Atkins: Oh, they're here
to film me for their movie. Annette Atkins: If they ask
you to take your top off, get the money first.
[Answering "If you were a tree, what kind of tree would
you be?"] Becky Ann Leeman: I'd have good strong roots in
a town like Mt. Rose, a solid Christian trunk, and long,
leafy branches for handicapped children to use as shelter.
