Carl Showalter: O.K., we'll go get some fucking pancakes and then get laid.
[Marge is pregnant.] Lou: You alright there, Margie? Marge Gunderson: Oh, I just think I'm gonna barf... Well, that passed. Now I'm hungry again.
Marge Gunderson: I'm not sure I agree with you a hundred percent on your police work, there, Lou.
[Carl sees Jean's body on the floor] Carl Showalter: The fuck happened to her? Gaear Grimsrud: Eh, she started shrieking, you know.
Stan Grossman: But you're sayin'... what are ya sayin'?
Mike Yanagita: So, uh, you married old Norm son-of-a-Gunderson?
Marge Gunderson: OK, so we got a trooper pulls someone over, we got a shooting, these folks drive by, there's a high-speed pursuit, ends here and then this execution-type deal.
Carl Showalter: Just keep it still back there lady or we're going to have to, you know, shoot you.
Marge Gunderson: Say Lou, didya hear the one about the guy who couldn't afford personalized plate so he went and changed his name to J3L2404? Lou: Yah, that's a good one.
Marge Gunderson: You have no call to get snippy with me; I'm just trying to do my job here.
Gaer Grimsrud: We split the car. Carl Showalter: How the fuck do you split a car, you dummy? With a fucking chainsaw?
Marge Gunderson: And I guess that was your accomplice in the woodchipper.
Marge Gunderson: There's more to life than a little money, ya know. Don'tcha know that? And here ya are. And it's a beautiful day. Well. I just don't understand it.
Norm Gunderson: I love you, Margie. Marge Gunderson: I love you, Norm.
Marge Gunderson: Hon? Norm Gunderson: Yah? Marge Gunderson: Prowler needs a jump.
Hooker: Well, the little guy was kinda funny-lookin'. Marge Gunderson: In what way? Hooker: I dunno, just funny-lookin'. Marge Gunderson: Can ya be any more specific? Hooker: I couldn't really say. He wasn't circumcised. Marge Gunderson: Was he funny-lookin' apart from that? Hooker: Oh, he was just funny-lookin'. More than most people, even.
[Grimsrud won't give Carl the car.] Carl Showalter: No fuckin' way! You fuckin' notice this? I got fuckin' shot in the face! I went and got the fuckin' money! I got shot pickin' it up! I've been up for 36 fuckin' hours! I'm takin' that fuckin' car! That fucker's mine!
Carl Showalter: You know, it's proven that second-hand smoke is, uh, carcin-... uh, you know, cancer related.
Gaer Grimsrud: You are a smooth smoothie, you know.
Gaer Grimsrud: I need unguent.
[Grimsrud sees Carl's shot-up face.] Carl Showalter: You should see the other guy!
Carl Showalter: What kind of trouble are you in, Jerry? Jerry Lundegaard: Well, that's, that's, I'm not gonna go inta, inta - see, I just need money.
Jerry Lundegaard: Well, heck, if you wanna play games here! I'm workin' with ya on this thing, but I... Okay, I'll do a damned lot count! Marge: Sir? Right now? Jerry Lundegaard: Sure right now! You're darned tootin'!
Carl Showalter: We've been waiting here an hour. He's peed three times already.
Carl Showalter: I'm not gonna debate you, Jerry. Jerry Lundegaard: Okay. Carl Showalter: I'm not gonna sit here and debate.
Carl Showalter: Oh, fuck it, I don't have to talk either, man! See how you like it. Just total fuckin' silence. Two can play at that game, smart guy. We'll just see how you like it. Total silence.
Marge Gunderson: Ah, hon, ya got Arby's all over me.
Carl Showalter: I don't want more fuckin' pancakes, man. I want to go somewhere I can get a shot and a beer, and a steak, maybe. Hey, I know this place outside Brainerd where we can get laid. Gaer Grimsrud: Look, I'm fucking hungry now, you know.