Fletch: Oh, you've remodeled the garage. Must have cost you hundreds.
[During a proctological exam.] Fletch: Using the whole fist, Doc?
Fletch: I'm John. Gail Stanwyk: Ohhhh, John. John who? Fletch: John Cock...tos...ton. Gail Stanwyk: Thats a beautiful name. Fletch: It's Scotch/Romanian. Gail Stanwyk: That's an odd combination. Fletch: So were my parents.
[To a Doberman pinscher] Fletch: Look, defenseless babies!
Madeline: I'm sorry, who are you again? Fletch: I'm Frieda's boss. Madeline: Who's Frieda? Fletch: My secretary.
Alan Stanwyck: If you reject the proposition, you keep the thousand - and your mouth shut. Fletch: Does this proposition entail my dressing up as Little Bo Peep? Alan Stanwyck: It's nothing of a sexual nature, I assure you. Fletch: Yeah, I assure you. Alan Stanwyck: One thousand just to listen. I don't see how you can pass that up, Mister...? Fletch: Nugent. Ted Nugent.
[Driving away from police in car with startled teenager.] Kid: Are you a cop? Fletch: As far as you know. Why? Did you steal this car? Kid: I sure did. Fletch: Well, I'm not even sure that's a crime anymore. There've been a lot of changes in the law.
Receptionist: Can I help you Dr.--? Fletch: Oh it's me, Dr. Rosenpenis. I'm just here to check out Alan Stanwyk's file. Receptionist: Dr. who? Fletch: Dr. Rosenrosen, i'm here to get into the records room. Receptionist: What was that name again? Fletch: It's Dr. Rosen, I want to check the records room. Receptionist: Dr. who? Fletch: Dr. Rosen! Where's the records room?
Fletch: Do you have caviar? Waiter: Si seņor, Beluga, but it is 100 dollars a portion. Fletch: Oh, then I better just take two of those.
Fletch: I didn't want to do this, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pull rank on you. I'm with the Mattress Police. There are no tags on these mattresses.
Waiter: Would you like to order something, sir. I will put it on the Underhills' bill. Fletch: Oh, yes. Very well. I'll have a Bloody Mary, a steak sandwich and a... steak sandwich.
Doc: That's an interesting name, Mr...? Fletch: Babar. Doc: Is that with one B or two? Fletch: One. B-A-B-A-R. Doc: That's two. Fletch: Yeah, but not right next to each other, that's what I thought you meant. Doc: Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar. Fletch: Ha, ha, ha. I wouldn't know. I don't have any. Doc: No children? Fletch: No elephant books.
Fletch: It was something you wife said while we were in bed together. She said we had the same build. From the waist up I imagine.
Gail Stanwyck: You ordered luch to my room. Fletch: Well, I knew that's where my mouth would be.
Fletch: Where am I? Records Nurse: You're in the records room. Fletch: Oh. Do you have the Beatles White Album? Never mind, just bring me a cup of hot fat. And the head of Alfredo Garcia.
Fletch: There has been a lot of drug smuggling on the beach lately. I have been trying to find out who's behind it, it hasn't been easy ... I don't shower much.
Fat Sam: I've got some reds. Fletch: You don't mean communists do you Sammy?
Fletch: Did you steal this car? Teenager: I sure did! Fletch: Well, I'm not sure that's even a crime anymore, there've been a lot of changes in the law.
Fletch: You know, if you shoot me, you're liable to lose a lot of those humanitarian awards.
Fletch: ...and who would have known that the Vice President knew I was opening the door, but the Secret Service, they just *whack* [mimes door hitting him in the face] , blood...
Waiter: Excuse me sir, you are with the club? Fletch: No, I'm here with the Underhills. Waiter: The Underhills? They already left Seor. Fletch: Oh they'll be back. Ted went out for his urinalysis.
Alan Stanwyck: You do own rubber gloves? Fletch: I rent 'em. I have a lease with an option to buy.
Fletch: For another grand, I'll let you take me out to dinner.
Pathologist: Ever seen a spleen that large? Fletch: No, not since breakfast.
[To Gail Stanwyck, who answers the door wearing a towel.] Fletch: Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo.
Fletch: This little proposition doesn't entail me dressing as Little Bo-Peep, does it?
Fletch: I would have been here sooner, but a manure-spreader jacknifed on the Santa Ana. You should see my shoes.
[Fletch is being interrogated by Chief Karlin and is giving him attitude] Chief Karlin: What's your name? Fletch: Fletch. Chief Karlin: What's your full name? Fletch: Fletch F. Fletch. Chief Karlin: What do you do for a living, Mr. Fletch? Fletch: I'm a shepherd. Chief Karlin: Why are you doing this, Mr. Fletch? Fletch: I like men. I like to be manhandled. I like you.
[Fletch is being framed for drug possession by two very large cops] Fletch: Aren't you gonna read me my rights? Cop: You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to have your face kicked in by me. You have the right to have your balls stomped on by him. Fletch: I think I'll waive my rights.
Chief Karlin: [to the arresting officers] Why don't you two leave us alone? Fletch: Yeah, go down to the gym and pump each other.
Gail Stanwyck: Look at her would you look at her. She looks like a hooker. Could you love someone who looked like that? Fletch: What are you talking about? Of course not! Five, ten minutes tops, maybe.
Stanton Boyd: What kind of a name is Poon? Fletch: Comanche Indian.
[After paying his ex-wife's attorney, Fletch walks him to the door.] Fletch: Keep ten for yourself. Go and get yourself a nice piece of ass.
[After Fletch gets kicked in the crotch] Gummy: Fletch! Are you all right?! Fletch: Oh, yeah. I feel like a hundred dollars.