Verne Lundquist: Quite a large and economically diverse
crowd here at the Michelob Invitational.
Happy Gilmore: If I saw myself dressed like that, I'd have
to kick my own ass.
Happy Gilmore: I was on this tour for one reason - money
- but now I've got a new reason: kicking your ass!
Shooter McGavern: I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.
Happy Gilmore: You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?!
[The audience is getting wild.] Shooter McGavin: Damn you
people. Go back to your shanties.
Virginia: What's this about you breaking a rake and throwing
it in the woods? Happy: I didn't *break* it, I was merely
testing its durability, and I *placed* it in the woods cause
it's made of wood and I wanted it to be near its family.
Nursing Home Orderly: Good news, everybody, we're extending
arts and crafts time by four hours today. Old Woman: My
fingers hurt. Nursing Home Orderly: What's that? Old Woman:
My fingers hurt. Nursing Home Orderly: Oh, well, now your
back's gonna hurt, 'cause you just pulled landscaping duty.
Anybody else's fingers hurt? ...I didn't think so.
Happy: During high school, I played junior hockey and still
hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty
box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and
try to stab somebody.
Happy: Looks like a slight hill. Whaddya think? Caddy: And
a slant to the left. Happy: That's 'cause you're only wearing
one shoe.
Grandma: What happened to that nice girlfriend of yours?
Happy: Oh, she's dead. She got hit by a car.
Happy: You know my girlfriend is dead. She fell off a cliff
and died on impact.
Happy Gilmore: [to Bob Barker] The price is wrong, bitch!
Happy: I'll make you a bet. If you get this puck into that
net, I'll never bother you again. But if you miss, you have
to give me a big fat kiss. And you have to pretend you like
it too. Virginia: Do you always carry a puck with you? Happy:
Yeah. [Virgina shoots puck and scores] Happy: Holy shit.
Talk about your all time back-fires.
Shooter McGavin: Stay out of my way, or you'll pay. Listen
to what I say. Happy Gilmore: Yeah, why don't I go eat some
hay. I can make things out of clay, or lay by the bay, I
just may. Whaddya say?
Grandma: Sir, can I trouble you for a warm glass of milk?
It helps me go to sleep. The Nursing Home Orderly: You can
trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up! Now, you
will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. You're in my
world now, grandma.
Chubbs: It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips. It's
all in the hips. It's all in the hips. Happy Gilmore: Get
off of me! Chubbs: Just easing the tension, baby! Just easing
the tension. Happy Gilmore: Yeah, well ease it on someone
else.
Terry: All you ever talk about is becoming a pro hockey
player, but there's a problem: you're not any good! Happy
Gilmore: I am good! You know what, you're a lousy kindergarten
teacher! I've seen those fingerpaintings you bring home
and they SUCK!
Chubbs Peterson: Back in 1965, Sports Illustrated said that
I was going to be the next Arnold Palmer. Happy Gilmore:
Oh, yeah? What happened? Chubbs Peterson: They wouldn't
let me play on the Pro Tour anymore. Happy Gilmore: I'm
sorry. It's because you're black? Chubbs Peterson: HELL
NO!! Damn alligator bit my hand off!
