Colonel Sandurz: It's Mega-Maid! She's gone from suck to blow!
Pizza The Hutt: Well, if it isn't Lone Star. And his sidekick, Puke.
Yogurt: And may the schwartz be with you!
Dark Helmet: No, it's not what you think. It's much, much worse!
[After attempting to get out of a chair with his seatbelt on.] Barf: Oooh, that's gonna leave a mark.
[nurse exits] Dark Helmet: I bet she gives great helmet.
[Upon going into "ludicrous speed"] Dark Helmet: My brains... are going into my feet!
Dark Helmet: WHAT? You went over my helmet?
[King Roland has given in to Dark Helmet's threats, and is telling him the combination to the "air shield"] Roland: One. Dark Helmet: One. Sandurz: One. Roland: Two. Dark Helmet: Two. Sandurz: Two. Roland: Three. Dark Helmet: Three. Sandurz: Three. Roland: Four. Dark Helmet: Four. Sandurz: Four. Roland: Five. Dark Helmet: Five. Sandurz: Five. Dark Helmet: So the combination is one, two, three, four, five? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard! That's the kind of combination an idiot would put on his luggage!
Barf: It's not that we're afraid, far from it, it's just that death, it just isn't us.
[As they are trekking through the desert] Lonestar: Water... water... Barf: Water... water... Dot Matrix: Oil... oil... Vespa: Room service... room service...
Lone Star: A million? That's unfair. Pizza the Hutt: Unfair to the payor but not to the payee. But you're gonna pay it, or else! Barf: Or else what? Pizza the Hutt: Tell him, vinnie. Vinnie: Or else pizza is gonna send out for *you*!
Princess Vespa: I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids. Lone Star: Oh great. That's all we needed. A Druish princess. Barf: Funny, she doesn't look Druish.
Dark Helmet: Knock on my door! Knock next time! Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir! Dark Helmet: Did you see anything? Colonel Sandurz: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with you dolls again. Dark Helmet: Good!
Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
Dark Helmet: Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon.
Barf: I know we need the money, but... Lone Star: Listen! We're not just doing this for money... We're doing it for a SHIT LOAD of money! Barf: Oh, you're right. And when you're right, you're right. And you - you're always right.
Lonestar: So, Lord Helmet, at last we meet again for the first time for the last time.
Dark Helmet: Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: Lone Star!
Dark Helmet: What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN???
Computer: [aboard Mega-Maid] Thank you for pressing the self destruct button.
[Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet and the Video Operator are watching _Spaceballs_(qv), the movie] Colonel Sandurz: That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward! Video Operator: Preparing to fast-forward! Colonel Sandurz: Fast-forward! Video Operator: Fast-forwarding, sir!
[Skroob, Helmet, and Sanders reach the cancellation button] Dark Helmet: Out of order? FUCK! Even in the future, nothing works!
Lone Star: What the hell was that noise? Dot Matrix: That was my virgin-alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do!
Dark Helmet: say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the winnebago.
President Skroob: Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?
[After the self-destruction mechanism has been activated] President Skroob: Sandurz, Sandurz. You got to help me. I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions. I'm a president!
[When Lone Star and Barf stops on the outer space gas-station] Waitress: Ready to order? Woman in Diner: Ah, yes, we'll both have the lunafish.
Dark Helmet: So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.
Dark Helmet: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Star. Lone Star: What? Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. Lone Star: What's that make us? Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.
[Princess Vespa has been given a gun] Princess Vespa: I ain't shooting this thing, I hate guns. [her hair gets singed by a laser] My hair, he shot my hair. Son of a bitch! [Begins blasting]
Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland going right past the altar, heading down the ramp and out the door!
DOT Matrix: Can we talk? OK, we all know Prince Valium is a pill. But you could have married him for your father's sake and had a headache for the next 25 years.