Colonel Sandurz: It's Mega-Maid! She's gone from suck to
blow!
Pizza The Hutt: Well, if it isn't Lone Star. And his sidekick,
Puke.
Yogurt: And may the schwartz be with you!
Dark Helmet: No, it's not what you think. It's much, much
worse!
[After attempting to get out of a chair with his seatbelt
on.] Barf: Oooh, that's gonna leave a mark.
[nurse exits] Dark Helmet: I bet she gives great helmet.
[Upon going into "ludicrous speed"] Dark Helmet: My brains...
are going into my feet!
Dark Helmet: WHAT? You went over my helmet?
[King Roland has given in to Dark Helmet's threats, and
is telling him the combination to the "air shield"] Roland:
One. Dark Helmet: One. Sandurz: One. Roland: Two. Dark Helmet:
Two. Sandurz: Two. Roland: Three. Dark Helmet: Three. Sandurz:
Three. Roland: Four. Dark Helmet: Four. Sandurz: Four. Roland:
Five. Dark Helmet: Five. Sandurz: Five. Dark Helmet: So
the combination is one, two, three, four, five? That's the
stupidest combination I've ever heard! That's the kind of
combination an idiot would put on his luggage!
Barf: It's not that we're afraid, far from it, it's just
that death, it just isn't us.
[As they are trekking through the desert] Lonestar: Water...
water... Barf: Water... water... Dot Matrix: Oil... oil...
Vespa: Room service... room service...
Lone Star: A million? That's unfair. Pizza the Hutt: Unfair
to the payor but not to the payee. But you're gonna pay
it, or else! Barf: Or else what? Pizza the Hutt: Tell him,
vinnie. Vinnie: Or else pizza is gonna send out for *you*!
Princess Vespa: I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland,
King of the Druids. Lone Star: Oh great. That's all we needed.
A Druish princess. Barf: Funny, she doesn't look Druish.
Dark Helmet: Knock on my door! Knock next time! Colonel
Sandurz: Yes, sir! Dark Helmet: Did you see anything? Colonel
Sandurz: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with you dolls
again. Dark Helmet: Good!
Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
Dark Helmet: Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's
gonna be a short honeymoon.
Barf: I know we need the money, but... Lone Star: Listen!
We're not just doing this for money... We're doing it for
a SHIT LOAD of money! Barf: Oh, you're right. And when you're
right, you're right. And you - you're always right.
Lonestar: So, Lord Helmet, at last we meet again for the
first time for the last time.
Dark Helmet: Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare
give me the raspberry: Lone Star!
Dark Helmet: What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN???
Computer: [aboard Mega-Maid] Thank you for pressing the
self destruct button.
[Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet and the Video Operator are
watching _Spaceballs_(qv), the movie] Colonel Sandurz: That's
much too early. Prepare to fast-forward! Video Operator:
Preparing to fast-forward! Colonel Sandurz: Fast-forward!
Video Operator: Fast-forwarding, sir!
[Skroob, Helmet, and Sanders reach the cancellation button]
Dark Helmet: Out of order? FUCK! Even in the future, nothing
works!
Lone Star: What the hell was that noise? Dot Matrix: That
was my virgin-alarm. It's programmed to go off before you
do!
Dark Helmet: say goodbye to your two best friends, and I
don't mean your pals in the winnebago.
President Skroob: Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was
so big?
[After the self-destruction mechanism has been activated]
President Skroob: Sandurz, Sandurz. You got to help me.
I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions. I'm a president!
[When Lone Star and Barf stops on the outer space gas-station]
Waitress: Ready to order? Woman in Diner: Ah, yes, we'll
both have the lunafish.
Dark Helmet: So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always
triumph because good is dumb.
Dark Helmet: Before you die there is something you should
know about us, Lone Star. Lone Star: What? Dark Helmet:
I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Lone Star: What's that make us? Dark Helmet: Absolutely
nothing! Which is what you are about to become.
[Princess Vespa has been given a gun] Princess Vespa: I
ain't shooting this thing, I hate guns. [her hair gets singed
by a laser] My hair, he shot my hair. Son of a bitch! [Begins
blasting]
Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to
witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland going right
past the altar, heading down the ramp and out the door!
DOT Matrix: Can we talk? OK, we all know Prince Valium is
a pill. But you could have married him for your father's
sake and had a headache for the next 25 years.
