[Spying on Mary.] Pat Healy: Husband... negative. Children
and a Labrador... negative. Tight little package... affirmative.
[After Mary addresses Ted by name.] Ted Stroehmann: I couldn't
believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't
know my name.
[After Mary asks Ted to the prom.] Ted: [narrating] From
that point on, the guys looked at me in a completely different
light. Ted's friend: You're a fucking liar!
Dom!: Have you ever had a whitehead on your eyeball, Mary?
Mary's Step-Father: Boy, don't make me open up a can of
whoop-ass!
Ted: What about Brett Fav... ruh?
[Pretending to like retarded kids.] Pat Healy: Those goofy
bastards are about the best thing I've got going.
Ted: Do you think maybe you wanna maybe, I don't know, go
out to dinner, you know, catch up on old times? Mary: Didn't
we just do that? Ted: Oh, uh... Mary: I'm fucking with you,
Ted!
Dom: Here you've been in therapy, you know, thinking you
blew it with the greatest girl ever, and really it turns
out that getting your dick stuck in your zipper was the
best thing that ever happened to you.
[Pointing to large dog in back seat.] Pat Healy: Does he
bite? Sully: A little bit. Get in.
Pat Healy: What, you think yer shit don't stink? Ted Stroehmann:
No, I don't think, I mean, yes it does, no I don't...
Mary Jensen Matthews: You've been to Nepal? Pat Healy: Not
in months, I don't know why I bought the damn place.
Magda: The last time I had a pap smear, the guy needed leather
gloves and an oyster shucker.
Ted: I think I still want to look her up. Pat Healy: Who,
rollerpig? Are you nuts? Ted: You said she was a real sparkplug.
Pat Healy: No, I said buttplug. She's heinous.
Ted: Japan? What's she doing in Japan? Pat Healy: Well,
you've heard of mail-order brides? Well, they go that way
too. Ted: What, are they desperate? She's a whale! Pat Healy:
You can't forget, it's a sumo culture, Ted. They pay by
the pound over there. Sorta like, um, tuna.
