Wayne Campbell: Hey, where'd you learn to speak English?
Cassandra: College... and the Police Academy movies.
Cassandra: Yeah, and if a frog had wings it wouldn't bump
its ass when it hopped. Wayne Campbell: Interesting.
Benjamin Kane: So Garth, what do you think so far? Garth
Algar: It's like a new pair of underwear. At first it's
constrictive, but after a while it becomes a part of you.
Wayne Campbell: Or imagine being whisked away to... Delaware.
"Hi, I'm in Delaware."
Garth: Benjamin is nobody's friend. If Benjamin were an
ice cream flavor, he'd be pralines and dick.
Garth: "Who's trying to kill you, Mr. Donut-head Man?" "I
don't know, but he better not."
Wayne Campbell: Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting
in some countries!
Wayne Campbell: All I have to say about that is "asphinctersayswhat".
Arcade owner: What? Wayne Campbell: Exactly.
[Garth fears throwing up if he talks to his dream girl.]
Wayne Campbell: I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes
back, she's yours. If you spew and she bolts, then it was
never meant to be.
Wayne Campbell: But the worst part of all is, I never learned
to read! Cassandra: Is that true? Wayne Campbell: All except
the reading part.
Wayne Campbell: I mean, Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes
that every one liked. They left that to the Bee Gees.
Tiny: Wanye! How you doin'? Wayne Campbell: Hey Tiny, who's
playing today? Tiny: Jolly Green Giants and the Shitty Beatles.
Wayne Campbell: Shitty Beatles? Are they any good? Tiny:
They suck! Wayne Campbell: Then it's not just a clever name
Garth: Did you ever see that Twilight Zone where the guy
signed a contract and they cut out his tongue and put it
in a jar and it wouldn't die, it just grew and pulsated
and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool huh?
Stacy: Happy anniversary, Wayne. Wayne Campbell: Stacy,
we broke up 2 months ago! Stacy: Well, that doesn't mean
we can't still go out, does it? Wayne Campbell: Well it
does actually, that's what breaking up is.
Wayne Campbell: I mean, there are two Darren Stevens, right?
Dick York and Dick Sargeant. Yeah, right, as if we wouldn't
notice! Oh hold on: Dick York, Dick Sergeant, Sergeant York...
Wow, thats weird!
[Admiring a guitar in a music store.] Wayne Campbell: It
will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine.
Garth: Ribbed for her pleasure. Ewww!
Garth: Hey Phil, if you're gonna spew, spew into this.
Wayne Campbell: I once thought I had mono for an entire
year, It turned out I was just really bored.
Garth Algar: That is a babe! She makes me feel kinda funny,
like when we used to climb the rope in gym-class.
[Talking about Claudia Schiffer] Wayne Campbell: She's a
babe. Garth Algar: She's magically babelicious. Wayne Campbell:
She tested very high on the stroke-ability scale.
[Instead of saying "Excuse me, I beg your pardon?" (also
in _Wayne's World 2_ (qv))] Wayne Campbell: Exsqueeze me?
Baking powder?
Benjamin: Do you have a lawyer? Wayne Campbell: Yes! Ahm,
no. We're between lawyers right now. You see, our first
lawyer screwed our affairs so bad. Garth Algar: That's right.
I walked right to that office - that's what I did - and
I reached across that desk and I grabbed him by his fat
head and I said "Listen, man! I'm not going to jail for
YOU or for anybody!".
Terry: Wayne! Wayne! Garth told me about the show, man.
I love you man. Wayne Campbell: Yea, and I love you too,
Terry. Terry: No no no, I mean it man. I LOVE you! Wayne
Campbell: No, I-I mean it. I love you. Terry: No you don't,
man. I love you. Wayne Campbell: [being hugged by Terry]
Garth! Hey, come over here, I think Terry has something
he wants to say to you. Terry: I love you, man. Garth Algar:
Thank you!
Russel: It will be Terry's job to give the actors their
hand cue. Wayne Campbell: Excuse me, Russel, but I believe
I requested the hand job...
Benjamin Oliver: So Garth, how do you like being in a studio?
Garth Algar: Ahm, it's like a new pair of underwear, you
know... At first it's constrictive, but after a while it
becomes a part of you.
[Suggesting ordering Chinese food] Wayne Campbell: I like
the cream of "sum yung gai."
Mikita's Manager, Glen: You know, if you stab a man in the
dead of winter, steam will rise up from the wounds. Indians
believed it was his soul escaping from his body.
[See _Terminator 2: Judgment Day_ (qv)] [Wayne Campbell
is stopped by a traffic cop] Wayne Campbell: Yes, officer,
is there a problem? T-1000: Have you seen this boy?
Wayne Campbell: Ah yes, it's a lot like "Star Trek: The
Next Generation". In many ways it's superior but will never
be as recognized as the original.
Wayne, Garth: [to Alice Cooper] We're not worthy! We're
not worthy!
Wayne Campbell: I know I don't have his looks. I know I
don't have his money. I know I don't have his connections,
his knowledge of fine wines. I know sometimes when I eat
I get this clicking sound in my jaw...
[After seeing Cassandra for the first time] Wayne Campbell:
She will be mine. Oh yes -- she will be mine.
Garth Algar: Let me tell you something about women, Wayne.
They want you to come get them, they like it.
Stacy: Aren't you gonna open your gift? Wayne Campbell:
If it's a severed head I'll be really upset.
