Robbie Hart: I don't know. We're living in a material world,
and I am a material girl. Or boy.
Guest: You are the worst wedding singer in the world, buddy!
Robbie Hart: Sir, one more outburst, I will strangle you
with my microphone wire. You understand me?
[After singing to Julia] Robbie Hart: I got a confession
to make. That song was about you. Julia Sullivan: Good.
Robbie Hart: I'm in love with you. Julia Sullivan: I am
so in love with you.
Robbie Hart: Gulia. Julia's last name's gonna be Gulia.
Julia Gulia. That's funny. Glenn Gulia: Why is that funny?
Robbie Hart: I don't know.
Sammy: If you find somebody who loves you, you can't let
that get away. -
Harold's brother: Little news flash, Pop. Ha. Harold ain't
so perfect. Remember when we were in Puerto Rico and we
picked up those 2, uh... well, I guess they were prostitutes,
but I don't remember paying.
Holly: You know who else I think is sexy? Robbie Hart. Glenn:
You think the "Time To Make The Doughnuts" guy is sexy.
Robbie: Now let's cut the stupid cake because I know the
fat guy's gonna have a heart attack if we don't eat again
soon. And while we do that here's a little mood music for
you.
Glenn: This is a great idea. I'm glad you came around. You
want to do some gambling and have some fun right away, or
you just want to get married?
Man: Hey, buddy, I'm not paying you to share your thoughts
on life. I'm paying you to sing. Robbie Hart: Well, I have
a microphone, and you don't, so you will listen to every
damn word I have to say!
Julia: Not porno tongue. Church tongue. Robbie: Church tongue,
I like that.
Robbie: When I put my mind to something, I go all the way.
I'll go all the way for you, sir. Mr. Simms: Do you have
any experience? Robbie: No, sir, I have no experience, but
I'm a big fan of money. I like it. I use it. I have a little.
I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator. I'd like to
put more in that jar. That's where you come in.
Robbie: Here we go. [singing] You don't know / How much
I need you / While you're near me / I don't feel blue /
And when we kiss / I know you need me, too / I can't believe
I found a love / That's so pure and true. / But it all was
bullshit / It was a goddamn joke / And when I think of you,
Linda / I hope you fucking choke / I hope you're glad /
With what you've done to me / I lay in bed / All day long
/ Feeling melancholy / You left me here / All alone / Tears
running constantly / Oh, somebody kill me, please / Somebody
kill me, please / I'm on my knees / Pretty, pretty please
/ Kill me / I want to die / Put a bullet in my head.
Holly: I let him look at my boobs at the Christmas party
last year. Not my finest half hour, but it's been a pleasant
working environment ever since.
Holly: Look, Robbie, I know... that you're shy, and I know
that you've been hurt, so... I'm gonna make this really
easy on you. If you come upstairs, you're gonna get laid.
Linda: And I think I figured out what's been bothering me.
I'm not in love with Robbie NOW. I'm in love with Robbie
6 years ago -- Robbie, the lead singer of Final Warning
-- when I used to come and watch you from the front row
in your Spandex pants, your silk shirt unbuttoned... licking
the microphone like David Lee Roth.
Robbie: Hey, psycho, it's over. Now please get out of my
Van Halen T-shirt before you jinx the band and they break
up.
Robbie: Once again, things that should have been brought
to my attention... YESTERDAY!
Rosie: Well -- no, don't be ashamed. You know, when I got
married, I wasn't a virgin. I already had intercourse with
8 men. Robbie: You know, that's actually something I don't
want to know about. Rosie: That was a lot back then. That
would be like 200 today.
Sammy: Their shows got canceled 'cause no one wants to see
a 50-year-old guy hitting on chicks.
