Dr. Arliss Loveless: We may not have a woodshed on board,
but that boy is gonna get a whuppin' anyway!
James West: Never drum on a white lady's boobies at a redneck
dance.
Artemus Gordon: Jim? James West: What now, Artie? Artemus
Gordon: Mind if I ask you a question? James West: Actually,
I do, Artie.
James West: That's it, no more Mr. Knife guy.
President Grant: Mr. West, not every situation requires
your patented approach of shoot first, shoot later, shoot
some more and then when everybody's dead try to ask a question
or two.
Artemus: She's a breath of fresh ass. James: You know what
you just said? You said "ass." Artemus: No I didn't. I said
she's a breast of fresh air.
Loveless: Well well well, Mister West, how nice of you to
join us and add color to this otherwise monochromatic affair.
James: Well when your worst enemy's come back from the dead,
it makes a man want to stand up and be counted.
Dr. Arliss Loveless: We may have lost the war, but we haven't
lost our sense of humor. Even when we lose a lung, a spleen,
a bladder, thirty-five feet of small intestine, two legs,
and our ability to reproduce all in the name of the south,
do we EVER LOSE OUR SENSE OF HUMOR?!
James West: Let me tell you something about your beloved
art of disguise, Gordon. That night at Fat Can's, it wasn't
a difficult task to tell that you weren't a woman. Artemus
Gordon: I was propositioned by three men!
[Gordon produces a notebook and pencil on wrist springs]
James West: You know, you could put a gun on that. Artemus
Gordon: Then where would I keep my pencil?
James West: I thought I'd go as a government agent who's
going to shoot and kill General Bloodbath McGrath. Artemus
Gordon: An armed Negro cowboy costume in a room full of
white, Southern, former slave-owners. You'll win first prize.
[Chased by flying, magnetic buzz-saw disks.] Artemus Gordon:
The collars are what's attracting them! They contain powerful
magnets! As long as we can outrun the blades, we'll be fine!
James West: Gordon! How long does it take for a magnet to
lose its power? Artemus Gordon: About four hundred years!
James West: Damn!
Artemus Gordon: I can't be calm! Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm
the "Master of the Mechanical Stuff"! And I have to help
you! You, the master of the STUPID STUFF!
[West's face is magnetically joined to Gordon's crotch]
James West: Gordon, when you tell this story to your grandkids,
you be sure to leave this part out. Artemus Gordon: Don't
worry.
James West: I have a telegram for a Dr. Loveless. It's from
his mother, Irene. She's telling him to come on home, stop
all this foolishness.
[Artemus is wearing a bulletproof vest] Artemus Gordon:
I only have one request: that you aim for my heart, my heart
which has loved this country so much. Dr. Arliss Loveless:
Shoot him in the head.
Artemus Gordon: We have the element of surprise. What does
Loveless have? [They look down into a canyon.] He has his
own city. Capt. James West: He has an 80-foot tarantula.
Artemus Gordon: I was just coming to that.
